


Soul Meets Body

by Autistic_council_spectre



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Briefly and semi vague, Drinking, Gen, Light Angst, Nonbinary Character, sometimes you bond with the person who tried to murder everyone and that's life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-03 16:16:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17881067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Autistic_council_spectre/pseuds/Autistic_council_spectre
Summary: After Cerberus Zander is a wreck and they have don't like discussing that fact.After Sovereign Saren is a hot mess and he also doesn't want to talk about it.Their experiences aren't the same but gods it's good to be understood.





	Soul Meets Body

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie  
> it does contain vague spoilers for the second arc of Zander's fic so be warned about that! and if you want more context i discuss them a good amount on my tumblr under the same name as here

They had always hated going to the doctor's office. As a kid they'd have the most monumental meltdowns especially when the needles got pulled out. As a teen and young adult they avoided them as much as they could, which was a little difficult when your body is constantly attempting to murder itself over the  _ slightest _ offense. 

 

Now? Now they went begrudgingly but that didn't mean that had to  _ like _ it. 

 

It was a monthly thing for shit like blood work, making sure the tech that Cerberus shoved inside of them didn't fuck em up (more than it already had) and general “how you feeling Zander?” ….they didn't always give an honest answer on that one. 

 

There was a distrust there from their teen days only amplified by what happened, a “tell them enough to get some help but don't tell them enough to make them lock you up” behavior. A “shove everything down into their tight Lil boxes and beat them to death when they come back up” deal. Yeah. It didn't always work. 

 

Which was how they found themselves at the doctor earlier than normal, wandering off to get coffee while Garrus helped to check them in. They'd had an episode, real bad one, an Garrus saw. Asked if they'd been taking their meds and fuck they'd had but it wasn't. It wasn't  _ working _ like it was supposed to. It fucked them up even more but they kept taking it thinking eventually somethin would work. But it didn't. 

 

And that's when they saw: him. A real twig of a turian missing an arm with plates colored like bones. He had so much scarring where they vaguely knew tech used to be (gods if they didn't understand that. Their back was a  _ wreck _ of scar tissue). They knew him, distantly in the back of their brain something said “I know this one.”

 

So they acted on their special kind of dumb instinct. Which involved grabbing a cup of coffee with enough creamer in it it didn't really count as coffee anymore and a cup of kava. A moment's hesitation before they grabbed a handful of random lil packets. They'd ask what he liked for future reference. 

 

_ Bold of you to assume he'll talk to you again. _ Oh fuck off with that shit. 

 

He stopped mid scratch when he saw them holding out the cup in his general direction. Did the same thing they did it looked like, scratched at his collarbones til they were all kinds of fucked up, they'd wager other parts of him we're all clawed to death too. God they felt that on a deep level.  

 

It took a moment of tense silence before he took the cup and they plopped into the chair next to him. “So. I know you but I don't know you.” Quizzical look with that lil mandible tilt,  _ what's that supposed to mean? _ “Docs said uh. Said, said I got real fucked up. From. Dyin. And bein brought back by fuckin. Those dumb fucks and turned into a a livin weapon so like I've got these missing pieces in my memory.” Little pause, gnawing at their lip,ah fuck they're bleeding again. “I know you but I don't know your name or  _ why _ I know you.” 

 

They sat in silence for a long while, the turian just holding the cup to warm his hand (he had two last time they recalled slightly….Geth arm?  _ Warm almost hot metal around their throat, snarking out something that just made him squeeze harder til they saw stars before they hit him hard as their lil frame would allow _ .) “...Saren Arterius. You stopped. Stopped me, stopped  _ them _ ...the. The Reaper.” His voice was a lot deeper than they anticipated, how was it coming out of such a tiny lil man, shit he was like their size. “You stopped me from making a mistake that would have killed so many more people.”

 

_Yelling, panic, Saren had a gun trying to press it up against his throat, throwing themselves with their biotics, barely managing to get him, the gun skittering away._ _Had to stop him had to_ ** _save him_** _._ “...would have killed you too.” 

 

Another pause while he downed a mouthful of the drink, Zander silently offering the random sugar(?) packets they had grabbed when he found it to be distasteful. They found him to be very dexterous with only the one arm, huh. Hella. “Yes I would have as well but you. Were very  _ determined _ to not allow that to happen.” 

 

“I. Sorta remember yeah. I've got lots of bits and pieces but not much concrete. Think, think you choked me out at one point, which is rude you should ask for consent next time.” They had timed that just so to make him choke and he shot them the  **_Best_ ** death glare.

 

“....I see your humor is unfortunately unchanged. But do kindly refrain from calling me “daddy” in the future, there are far better things to address me as.”

 

(When Garrus came by to snag them he was more than a little concerned seeing Saren there as well but. They were laughing, their lil hyena laugh and he swore he saw him grin for a fleeting moment.)

\----

 

It was several weeks before they encountered one Saren Arterius in the wild again. It had given them some time to go digging on the extranet and uncover some of their memories. There were still hazy things but...that's just how it be on this bitch of a universe sometimes. 

 

“So. Sawen-” 

 

“Absolutely not don't you  _ dare  _ pyjack.” He fixed them with a lesser death glare and they just made as close an approximate to the cat face as they could. 

 

“Varren actually **. So** _Sawen_ ,” deep sigh from said turian, “you didn't really strike me as the pet type of person. Like all all your files n shit make you out all like dark an broody and bluh bluh.” Zan came up to the Citadel's stores from time to time to stare at the lil lizards, one day when things were stable they'd have a whole _army_ of reptiles. 

 

Garrus was equal parts amused and deeply dismayed. At least it wasn't more thresher maws. 

 

“My ah. Nihlus, he suggested that an animal may help for some of my  _ issues _ .” He was fidgety over that, didn't want to admit it? Oh but they understood that feeling well. “..animals are easier to deal with than people at times. They don't judge.” Avoiding eye contact, walking away a bit but still talking just softer oh he was like them. 

 

“Yeah..my babies they're really good at listening. Crew thinks it's kinda weird though but that's probably more on account of the fact that one of my babes is a thresher maw.” 

 

They learned in that moment that despite him being as much of a twig if not more so than them that he was still an absolute wall of muscles. Suddenly slamming into a person when they stop tends to tell you these things. “.....you keep a thresher maw. In your  _ house _ ?” His tone was so shocked it was as if they had just sprouted another head. (With the weird shit Cerberus pulled they wouldn't even be surprised if that happened.)

 

“ _ Technically speaking _ my girl lives on my family's farm. Other mom found her when she was an itty bitty lil baby and then I. I ended up keepin her. Sorta. She wanders off a lot but comes back for food and affection, she's uh she's a real sweet babe.” 

 

“..Good to know you had lost it long before you ended up dead.”

 

“Oh you. You don't know  _ how _ mcfuckin nuts I am.”

 

\-----

 

It was another few weeks of on and off contact before Zander was allowed even in the general  _ vicinity _ of Saren's house without the threat of violence. He didn't really  _ like _ them yet and they didn't want to press the issue but it was. Nice. He didn't treat them like they'd fall apart if he dared to snip at them. Everyone else held them like spun glass and it was  _ infuriating _ . 

 

So it was with the promise of alcohol and gossiping that Zander was allowed to enter his house unharmed for a brief period of time. Just til Nihlus got home, and Saren made it clear they were the one and only human allowed into his home (they missed the look he had when they laughed and said they didn't count as human much anymore or  _ Really _ a person. Part concern part understanding.)

 

Of course Zan being the person that they were made an immediate beeline for the xauu lounging on the couch like she owned the place. (After placing the bags out on the table of course.) “Oh she's  _ beautiful _ , bet you know that huh? You must get so  _ spoiled _ .” Xauu were big beautiful spiky dog adjacent animals therefore Zander immediately fell in love with them. 

 

Falling in love with big spiky (usually deadly) animals  _ also _ meant that they had been lovingly banned from going to Palaven or any other turian worlds. 

 

“Dexinia, that's her name.” Saren settled down next to her to stroke the long quills running down her back and she immediately flopped her head in his lap with a huff. 

 

“So she's your listener?” They had settled on the floor to baby talk at Dex so they decided that was their spot for now as their knees would probably stage a rebellion otherwise, which they were used to unfortunately. Except. It was still rather odd to have them stage rebellions on the fact of being prosthetics rather than being arthritic and made entirely of Rage. 

 

“Mhm...Nihlus wanted me to get a service animal. But I didn't. I didn't want to admit that something was  _ wrong _ . So we got Dexi as a compromise and she. She's very good at what she does.” Every time Saren dared to pause in his pets she wormed her head underneath his hand with a clear attitude of 'you haven't been given permission to stop, now continue loving me.’

 

“I get it. I. Have, had? Had a service dog, her name's Zasha, I  _ love _ her, and I should get her retrained for my specific needs but after. After Cerberus I don't.” They paused to fiddle with their nails (claws? They didn't know what to call them sometimes) “Something feels weird. Feels bad. Like like I don't deserve help yknow and it it sucks.” Well there was a lot of honesty they didn't intend on giving. 

 

It was a mildly uncomfortable silence that lapsed before Saren spoke again. “It’s what they do, take your agency and turn you into a monster. And when you escape you feel like you deserve nothing, especially when people  _ agree _ with that statement.” 

 

“Fuck that's. Yeah you get it. Cerberus was a right fuckin bitch. They took so much and just just fucked it all up... _ but _ we did not come for a therapy speaking we came to talk gossip and get drunk.” They had learned from other mom and their extended family that turians were pack orientated and what better way was there to bond pack other than gossiping? Spoiler alert: there is not one. 

 

The bags were in easy enough reach, they had grabbed a random assortment based off what he said he enjoyed and what they personally liked. “..if you attempt to flirt with me while drunk I'm legally and morally obligated to murder you.” 

 

He took one of the cans anyways while they set about poppin open theirs. “Oh yeah I'll even give you the knife to do it my dude. Now to get down to the business that is the very important matter of gossip: did you hear about…..”

 

(Nihlus came home to them not quite drunk but definitely tipsy, Saren looking semi relaxed which was a rare sight these days, while Zan was giggling and had somehow ended up laying on the floor with their legs up near Dexi. “Looks like you two are having fun. Mind if I join in?”

 

“Oh fuck yes we were just about to discuss Dad Sparatus…..”) 

 

\-----

 

They were not exactly friends they didn't think. They were not entirely sure  _ what _ they were outside of “people I would at least hesitate to murder” and “people I can talk to about the fucked up shit that I don't want to tell other people because you get it.”

 

Like when Saren found Zan outside of his home agitated because they woke up with a knife and they weren't sure where it came from or  _ what they were going to do with it. What if they hurt Garrus? _ This he managed to get out of them over a cup of tea and determinedly shoving food in their direction. He wasn't good at words but he was better at actions and food soothed most wounds. They ended up falling asleep on the couch while they had watched shitty old movies. 

 

Or when they found Saren in the Presidium Gardens in the middle of the night. They crouched by him in companionable silence before he offered up the fact that  _ sometimes he still heard Sovereign in his head he thought. He worried so much that he'd hurt Nihlus, kill him for real this time. ...he didn't like being much alone because of that.  _ They had never been very good at words either but they floundered their way through something about not being alone because of having a stubborn pyjaack. 

 

(“It's. Its me by the way in case that wasn't clear.”

 

“It was semi clear, thank you Shepard.”)

 

Maybe they weren't  _ exactly _ friends or maybe they  _ were _ . Neither of them really knew but it was nice to be understood, nice to have someone who drowned in a similar darkness as them and managed to stubbornly claw their way out until they were free. Not clean, never fully clean, but free at least. 

**Author's Note:**

> is this perhaps a lil ooc? maybe  
> do i care? mildly but also im having fun and gdi zan and saren Should bond over "wow that sure was some fuckery"  
> the best and most goodest friends Xauu were created by NoisyNoiverns! who i have no idea how to link to but like y'all should check them out (esp Broken Mirror that's the good shit)  
> (The Silence Is Killing Me is ALSO amazing and you Will cry like a lil baby. fucker)


End file.
